Note to Self: You're Not Obligated to be Who You Once Were
This past weekend after briefing someone on the content of my poetry book, they asked me if I thought I had self-love. They said, “Be honest, do you believe you have self-love?” My honest answer to that was, “I’m trying. I’m working on it.” Some days I feel so blessed to be who I am and other days I can’t help but think of all my shortcomings. It’s so easy to list all of our negative traits. Sometimes we have to take a step back and celebrate all that we are and all we’ve overcome to become the person we are today.
Growing up, I became what everyone thought I was. I became their opinions of me: a shy girl, an awkward girl, the smart and never pretty girl. The girl with walls too high, temper too short, and the overall too negative girl. I was too tall and too loud for some, so I tried to shrink myself in order to fit into other people’s spaces. I always thought I was my own person, but really, I became a shell of the person I was supposed to be. It wasn’t until I moved cities for college and spent time truly alone that I realized that wasn’t really who I wanted to be. I realized I didn’t have to be only one thing or another. The woman I want to become is both soft and strong, beautiful and intelligent. These days, I don’t mind wearing my heart on my sleeve and forgiving others easily. I didn’t understand how exhausting it was to be so angry as if the world was against me. I look at the person I used to be and I hurt for her sometimes— someone so afraid to claim all her identities. But at the same time, I’m so grateful for the growth I’ve experienced. I believe it is kindness, gratitude, and compassion that brings the best out of us. It is what will bring us true happiness when all else fails.
By no means am I the embodiment of self-love, but as I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I’m trying. I still have moments of self-doubt and days where I really don’t understand who I am, but I’ve learned it’s all about perseverance. I know to not mistake being alone for loneliness now and that solitude is important for growth.
Self-love and self-care aren’t just about bubble baths and meditation; it’s also taking time to reflect on who you are and deciding if that’s the person you want to continue being. It’s okay if that answer is no. You’re not obligated to be the same person you were last year— or even yesterday. Spend some time alone, change your environment, and expand your mind. You’ll come to learn about the kind of person you want to be, the person you’re supposed to be, not the one the world has made you think you are.